Today I used the boy’s bathroom of my school for the first time. I have used boy’s bathrooms before, but always at places where I am highly unlikely to find anyone I might know. Ever since a group of girls saw me use the wrong bathroom according to my gender, the truth about me being female flew around the whole school like a kid with wings running away from a troll. It turns out that half of the school had no idea and since I pass well enough, nobody had suspected anything either. I have become the subject of laughter and humiliation; fourteen year olds queue up in line to catch a glimpse of me walk past as they try to confirm my sex. I’m sick of this treatment and, although I don’t think coming out as trans* is safe right now or anyone’s business, I want to get people to see me as male again. And what better way to do that than using the boy’s bathroom?
My school has two bathrooms for each sex (I did a lovely picture for you because I can’t be bothered explaining). I had managed to use the one upstairs once, but it didn’t feel like a boy’s bathroom. Everyone walked past in front of it and I had seen it lots of times since my class is just next to it. But the one downstairs was right in the corner, with only those who were going to use it walking towards it; it was placed in the middle of a boy-aura, as if yelling “Males, men and boys this way!”. Using that toilet was going to be a personal re-identification of my gender identity!
From my locker, you can’t see the inside of the toilets, so I had never even seen what they looked like inside. For the past weeks, ever since I decided I must take a go at them, I have been imagining how they would be inside (most of my options were highly unrealistic). By the way, the toilets were extremely ugly and not as dirty as I had expected them to be. I also had started having nightmares about all the bad things that could happen to me. What if while I’m doing my business, a guy walks in and questions my presence? What if I accidently lock myself in and am stuck there forever? What if a teacher sees me and tells me off? What if someone hits me? What if I meet someone from my class? What if I run out of toilet paper? What if somebody stole my computer? I knew I would be nervous, so I decided to find a time when it was likely for the bathroom to be empty, so I could walk in and out without having to face anyone. Unfortunately, I did have to bring my computer with me since I couldn’t leave it anywhere else, so my thoughts about me being hit and robbed were present the whole time.
Nothing happened. I took extra toilet paper with me (which I didn’t use up and now have the unused remains stuffed in my bag – a reminder of my success, maybe?) and chose carefully with stool I would use. I entered. I peed. I flushed the toilet. I washed my hands. I checked my manliness in the mirror. I exited. I breathed.