Dysphoria Versus Safety

Binary Subverter was talking the other day about their binding experiences. When reading stories like these I feel sad others had to go through these experiences and incredibly lucky that I have a pretty flat chest. I actually never did any binding, though there was a time when I wished I did. For a few months it was all I could think about.

There are many reasons as to why I didn’t bind. First of all, I couldn’t afford it. Binders are expensive and there was no way I could get my hands on one if it wasn’t over the internet. At the time I hardly had any money and I was in still closeted. I would’ve had to use my sister’s or mother’s bank account and internet credit card to access it, which was a big inconvenient. I couldn’t risk it.

I also gave great importance and priority to solving my dysphoria when I first started figuring out the whole gender thing, so I can say I dealt with it before it overflowed. Hadn’t I done that my mood would’ve probably sunken quite low and who knows what I would’ve done. I am thankful that I am overly safety-conscious and one of the first things I did was research what safety measures could be taken in all cases, not just in binding, but in many other aspects that range from same-sex sexual activities to social interventions. Of course I knew that I mustn’t get close to ace bandages, so I didn’t even think about trying it.

I sometimes wear a sports bra or two tight ones that I like to consider have some affect on making my chest look flatter (they don’t). I used to hunch forward all the time to hide what could still be perceived, but that was a really unhealthy measure and I soon felt guilty about it.

I also have back pains, but I’ve had them since always. I’m feeling perfectly normal but then suddenly there is some sort of spark, a sharp pain, a pinch in my back, and I can hardly move without crying in pain. Very similar to what Binary Subverter described. My father and grandmother also have it, so it’s hereditary in my case. Binding would have made the back pains much worse.

I found that not shaving my legs contributed much more to the boyish image I wanted to give the world than my intents of binding, so I just stuck to that. Plus it goes great with my “girls shouldn’t have to shave” position.

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