If I could, I would

I feel like I’m in one of those cheesy and dramatic romance movies that I never finish watching.

She told me her heart was beating fast; she was nervous and blushing rapidly. I was already on the train but she grabbed my shirt from behind and pulled me off it, back towards her. I turned and she cuffed her hands together, wanting to tell me a secret. I looked at her as I leaned down, but she avoided eye contact. Her whisper tickled my ear; “I like you”. She pushed me away and the crowd got me back onto the train. When I turned to look at her I couldn’t catch a glimpse of her face, she was pacing away on the platform covering her nose with her hands.

I hadn’t seen it coming, she was supposed to have a boyfriend. I never planned how I would reject somebody before, let alone my best friend. Since when did she like me? What did she mean when she said so? I had told her I was asexual.

When I got home I sent Pear a message telling her that, being aromantic, I don’t fall in love with people that way and that I couldn’t really return her feelings. I was hoping to have this conversation in person, but summer holidays have arrived and I won’t be seeing her in at least a month.

She confessed that she had fallen in love with me when we first met, but then she went out with a boy to sort out her sexuality and feelings.

She knows I’ll give her everything I can, but I don’t have what she wants. I will never know what she feels, I won’t understand the endless nights she spends thinking of me, the butterflies she says I make her feel, what she thinks of when she sees me. I am not what she needs.

I never thought it would be this painful to not love someone. She is nice, funny, clever and beautiful. She knows how to draw. Her laugh is gorgeous. She complements me every day. She reads the same books I do. She notices all the little things I’m not sharp enough to see. We have so many tastes in common. She brightens up my day. Is she not perfect enough for me to love?

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5 thoughts on “If I could, I would

  1. I’m sorry this is happening to you and you feel painful emotions over your aromantic identity right now.

    I kind of can relate. Do you know the lyrics of that song “Already Gone” by Kelly Clarkson? I love that song and I feel like it actually fits how I felt when I broke up with my boyfriend. The mood of the song too. It’s really got that “I wish I could feel everything you’re feeling” tone. The lyrics “You couldn’t have loved me better” and “I love you enough to let you go” (as well as “it never would have worked out right”) all fit these kinds of situations that you and I both found ourselves in so well.

    I broke up with my boyfriend as soon as I decided that I was 100% sure I was asexual and sex-averse too and basically would be unable to ever have sex the way he’d need to in order to be happy in our relationship. But to some degree, it might be more than that.

    I’m wtfromantic, and as is illustrated by posts of mine like this: http://luvtheheaven.wordpress.com/2014/01/21/what-is-the-difference-between-platonic-and-romantic-love/

    To me it’s confusing if I’m too aromantic to feel what my boyfriend felt for me. When my boyfriend texted me that he thought he was falling in love with me (while we were still dating of course, lol – this was weeks before we broke up), I wasn’t sure if I was “in love with him”. I cared deeply about him, I liked him, but I wasn’t necessarily in love. Part of that, though, for me, was me keeping myself guarded. I was aware, on some level, that we’d likely break up soon anyway because I was coming to the realization that I was asexual. And I didn’t want to let myself fall completely and totally in love with him, even if I could. I didn’t want to set myself up to be more heartbroken later. Then again, I kind of feel like I *was* in love with him. I was just non-sexual about it and also realistic. I didn’t fantasize about my boyfriend because I never have sexual fantasies.

    You said “I won’t understand the endless nights she spends thinking of me…” But I’m not sure if “Endless nights” being obsessed with someone is the only way the average allosexual person experiences being “in love”. I think the way you care deeply about friends and family members can be what being in love mainly feels like too, especially for asexual romantics. If a heteroromantic asexual boy has no sexual attraction for a girl but still feels “in love” with her, he probably just wants to smile a lot when he’s around her, wants to defend her when someone insults/criticizes her, wants to spend time with her or talking to her via email or on the phone or whatever, etc. I mean… he might want to touch, to cuddle, too. Some people think this is the thing that makes romantic attraction/romantic relationships different. But I think you could theoretically not be interested in touching at all and still be “in love”. So… what does that mean? 😛 Or other people might feel all of these things, even wanting to cuddle, yet could be aromantic and not “in love”, just loving them in a platonic way. And it all confuses me so much that I’m sticking to my wtfromantic label.

    I hope you both can find a way to be happy in the future and that she gets what she needs in terms of a romantic partner from someone else and that you two can remain friends. 😉 It seems like you definitely don’t want to give dating her a chance, whatever that would mean for you as an asexual, so that’s why I say it like that.

    By the way… this paragraph of yours:

    “She told me her heart was beating fast; she was nervous and blushing rapidly. I was already on the train but she grabbed my shirt from behind and pulled me off it, back towards her. I turned and she cuffed her hands together, wanting to tell me a secret. I looked at her as I leaned down, but she avoided eye contact. Her whisper tickled my ear; “I like you”. She pushed me away and the crowd got me back onto the train. When I turned to look at her I couldn’t catch a glimpse of her face, she was pacing away on the platform covering her nose with her hands.”

    Is the most beautiful, poetic thing. You are an amazing writer and that made me picture the scene in my head and feel the emotions too. You should consider writing a fictional story with a trans or ace (or both) main character, using your own experiences to help you write it accurately, and I bet a ton of people who can’t relate at all would appreciate the experiences more once they finished reading whatever you wrote. 😉

    • Oh, I love that song! It’s been a long time since I last heard it. I actually love anything by Kelly Clarkson.
      I don’t really know if I’m “in love with her”. There’s definitely what they’d call platonic attraction though. Right now Pear and I are just really good friends, but I would like to get closer and have a queer platonic relationship with her. But that won’t satisfy her needs and it wouldn’t work. Whatever happens, we both said that we’d want to stay being friends.
      I tried writing a book once, but didn’t finish it. I was intending to not use any pronouns so nobody would know the gender of the characters; it was incredibly hard. I guess I’ll try again this November for Nano Wrimo 😉 .
      And great post, by the way. The link, I mean. I think that’s more or less how I feel too (without the child though).

        • Most sex-averse people assume they won’t be having kids of their own (biological). Also, bringing up a kid on your own is hard so those of us who don’t intend to marry or be with a life-long partner of some sort just kind of give up or don’t think much about it.

          • Yeah, it’s just that I’ve always very strongly wanted to foster or adopt kids. Long before I was consciously aware that I was sex-averse or asexual and potentially aromantic, it was a decision I made when I was quite young to be happy never having biological kids but to definitely still want to be a parent. I think my goal will be to find someone to co-parent with someday, because yeah it is too hard to do it alone. It’s something I apparently feel much more strongly about than so many people, especially people who are also in the asexual community.

            I don’t know if I’ve *ever* really come across any asexual blogger who actually wants kids.

            I think I did come across an asexual person *once* who wanted to be a parent, but it was just me briefly seeing one anonymous tumblr user who wanted kids was asking an asexual advice blog what to do because they were feeling upset as they had just recently realized they were asexual. They were upset because they thought being asexual meant they couldn’t have kids and the advice blog suggested adoption or invitro fertilization as options.

            Other asexual 101 online resources explain why people might have sex if they don’t find it enjoyable, and that one reason would be for the purpose of conceiving a child. I’ve seen it mentioned but I haven’t seen any asexual people actually wanting kids, that’s all. 😉

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